10/2/24
For all of us, there are things we absolutely will and will not do in every area of our life. Sometimes, the things you are unwilling to do may be sabotaging your life. That’s what we’re talking about today.
Typically, we want our lives to go a certain way. Most of us have an idea how we want to experience life. But sometimes we are sabotaging ourselves because of what we are or are not doing.
The way to find out if we're self-sabotaging is to ask ourselves a few questions. First, “What do I want in one particular area of my life?” This could be big picture, or it could be a small “next” thing - like “what's the next step?” kind of thing.
Then the next question to ask ourselves, “What are the things that I'm willing to do to get it?” Next, explore “What am I unwilling to do?” And then ask yourself, “Why am I unwilling to do that…or those things?” We need to know ‘why’ because we need to really love our reasons why. You've heard me say that in the past on this podcast. You need to really love your reasons why you are willing or unwilling to do something, and they need to be compelling enough that we will do anything to get it.
Here's a personal example from my life. You know I’m always good for that, huh? About this time last year, I decided I didn’t want to be single for the rest of my life. So, instead of waiting for God to just send that man to my door (and, y’all, I really do wish it were that easy) I had to come up with some things that I was willing to do. Well, I was willing to get on a dating app or two. That didn’t last long. I’m just going to tell you, it’s rough out there. So, I decided I was willing to hire a matchmaking service. Might be horrible, might be fruitful, might be a waste of money. I don't know. But I'm willing to do it.
When it comes to dating, here are some things I decided I'm unwilling to do. I'm unwilling to date a man that's not a Christian. I'm unwilling to compromise my Biblical values in any regard. I'm unwilling to date someone long distance. Now, I was very clear about these things, and I loved my reasons why. For each of them. I thought I had some pretty compelling reasons.
Now, bottom line, do these things I’m unwilling to do have an effect on my single status? Absolutely it does, because there are a lot of men who are not believers out there. There are a lot of men who want certain things in a relationship – even right off the bat - and that's a non-negotiable for them. And they love their reasons why, right? And there are a lot of men that might be available long distance that I'm removing from consideration. So, it reduces the percentage down to a much smaller fraction of men in the pool. Does it affect my being single and what I really want? Yes, it does. So, I need to determine if I'm willing to accept that. To answer that question, I need to know the reasons why I’m unwilling for each of these points, and do I love them enough to keep me single? Yes, yes, and maybe.
I say “maybe” for that last one because my reasons why I don’t want to date long-distance may be irrational, or untrue, or based on fear of an unknown. I have to find out what my reasons are behind this “unwilling” so I can test them to see if they’re limiting me. And then decide if I still love those reasons.
Now there are some other things that I'm unwilling to do in different areas of my life that I definitely recognize as self-sabotage. I'm unwilling to put myself in a place where I might be embarrassed. Or in a place where I might fail. I may not have evidence that I'm going to fail, but there's a possibility that I might fail. And so, I don't want to put myself in that place or in a place where I might be criticized by others. And sometimes it keeps me from adventurous and fun experiences.
Most of you know that I’ve been singing in various places for most of my life. If I’m afraid of failure or of criticism, it might keep me from performing or singing at special events because I don’t want to be embarrassed. It might also keep me from fun experiences like karaoke with friends. If I think I might embarrass myself, I'm unwilling to be that vulnerable.
Now, if the life that I want is one of freedom from criticism, whether that's from others or from myself, and I also want freedom to enjoy all of life's fun experiences without having to worry about anything - just to fully live - then I am sabotaging myself. I'm keeping myself from the life that I want. I'm doing it to me. So, I'm closing myself off from the possibility of a result that I want in my life.
These are the things I’m unwilling to do because I don't want to be embarrassed, because I don't want to be criticized, and I don't want to criticize myself. When I ask myself, “Do I love these reasons?” the answer is emphatically No! I can’t stand that. It’s awful. I hate being at the effect of my emotions; of worrying about being criticized. I hate being controlled by fear and other vulnerable emotions.
So, when we ask ourselves why, you can find out what the reasons are behind that. What is behind your “Absolutely not!”? Answering that will expose the lies that are limiting you. And you might also discover that behind everything, there are emotions that you're unwilling to feel and experience.
For example, I knew very quickly I didn't want to be humiliated or embarrassed or feeling less than or small or inadequate. I didn't want to feel all those things. And that's what was keeping me from doing the thing. But sometimes we don't know that. Sometimes we are refusing to do things, or we stay away from things on purpose, but we haven't really explored why. Most of the time it's because we're afraid of the emotions that are attached to that right?
Even putting yourself out there in a dating situation, it's very vulnerable, right? It is. You're vulnerable to rejection. But that's the risk that you take by putting yourself out there. And the question becomes, “Am I willing to feel that rejection and to feel all the emotions that comes with that and process through all of it? Am I willing to do that to get what I want? Yes, I am willing. Because to not to - to not expose myself to possible rejection would mean that I certainly won't get it at all. There’s just no way I'll get the life that I want because I'll be hiding, and I'll just say “no” all the time. Or just won't pursue a dating relationship at all.
So we need to ask ourselves some more questions: “What am I willing to feel to get the results that I want? Am I willing to feel rejection? Am I willing to feel humiliation to enjoy the freedom of fun with friends at karaoke? What will humiliation feel like? And what will I make that mean about myself? What will rejection feel like and what will I make that mean about me? How will it impact me?”
Those are all thoughts that we need to explore. We need to see if any of those thoughts are fueled by lie-based beliefs or limiting beliefs. When we ask ourselves these questions, we might find that our thoughts are actually ridiculous and irrational when we flesh them out and then we're able to change those. Thoughts which, as you know, dictate the way you feel, determine the way you act. Which changes how you experience your life.
But you can change how you experience your life by refusing to let limiting beliefs sabotage you. This expands your emotional capacity and tolerance. For me, to be able to see those thoughts that are keeping me back and keeping me small, keeping me from living fully, means I can challenge them. I can hold them up to the light of the truth of God’s Word, who He says I am; what He says I can do with His help and power, and ask “Does it align with my faith?” My capacity and, specifically, tolerance to failure or rejection expands. If I can get over this hump one time, I can get over it the next time. That's expanding your capacity. It’s expanding your capacity to feel and experience all the emotions that might come up in any situation in life. But if we run away from it all the time, we’re not building up the capacity to handle…whatever you’re trying to avoid…fear, failure, rejection, etc.
Someone just said to me recently, “You don’t mind leaning into an awkward situation, do you?” The truth is, no, I don’t like awkward. Who truly does? But if I’m unwilling to put myself in an awkward position, then I may miss out on something really amazing, or fun, or something that I want. All because I’m trying to avoid all the thoughts and the emotions that come with putting myself in an awkward situation. When we do this, we are saying, “I refuse to feel that, so I refuse to process it. And I refuse to take control over it.” And ultimately, we’re keeping ourselves from getting what we truly want because we’re unwilling.
Friend, being unwilling to do something in your life may be self-sabotaging. By asking yourself why you are unwilling to do something, you may just discover it’s driven by limiting beliefs. This is the place you can gain control over what you are thinking and believing, and then choose to not let that limit you. Now, you have control - as opposed to those emotions having control - over what you do or don’t do. Don’t let “unwilling” keep you from fully living.
This one might be tricky to flesh out yourself, friend, and I’d love to help you. I have two more life coaching spots still open if you’d like to get on my calendar for a free 30-minute call to see if we’re a good fit to work together. The link is in the show notes.
Don’t forget to get the free, downloadable Listener’s Guide that accompanies this episode with a few prompt questions to help you think through this topic. That link is in the show notes also.
Have a wonderful week, friends. See you next Wednesday for the next episode of Another Beautiful Life.
SHOW NOTES:
Typically, we want our lives to go a certain way. Most of us have an idea how we want to experience life. But sometimes we are sabotaging our lives because of what we are unwilling to do.
That’s what we’re talking about today. Join me as I give you some suggestions of how to discover if you are self-sabotaging your life and what to do about it.
Are you wondering how Life Coaching works? Would you like a free, 30-minute session? Click this link to set up a Consult Call: https://calendly.com/triciazodylifecoach/30min
Get the free, printable guide here: www.triciazody.com/guide
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